Why now?

I'm going to be blunt here.

I've started ovulating on my own since coming off birth control. Want to talk about mixed feelings? I've got 'em. Now isn't the time to get pregnant again, and I want to cry because my body is now working like a woman's body should and I actually can't even TTC. I just don't get it. Why now? Why am I ovulating now? I've had 2 successfully healthy cycles since coming off the pills... 2 months in a row with 27 day cycles and I know for a fact I ovulated both times. But why?

Could it be that my body is finally starting to realize it's female and is supposed to do this? Could it be a mean trick? After all, last time I came off the pills, I was normal for 6 months before I found out I had PCOS... I just don't know how to think or feel.

In my heart, I feel like I am wasting a good opportunity. In my mind, I know I can't have another baby right now. My husband's job ends on July 29 and while he's getting great severance, I'd rather only have to worry about one kid right now. I'm terrified of pre-term labor again and being stuck in a hospital again with a kid at home. While the vasa previa was a freak thing that shouldn't happen again, it still feels like yesterday...

On February 17, it will be one year since I got admitted to Centennial and put on bedrest for the longest 5.5 weeks of my life.

It's still too soon for another baby... so why do I long for one? This hurts. I wish I could just give my ovulation to a fellow cyster... I can think of so many who wish they were ovulating like I am right now. It breaks my heart...

From Soul Cysters to Cyster World

If you're a cyster like me and left SC because the site went completely down hill, we have a new place to connect and get answers to our questions. Groups I was in on SC eventually moved to Facebook and we prefer the forum setting, so we moved on over to CysterWorld.com, which was founded by a fellow SC-er.

Come on over!

Infertility.

Lately, I've been thinking about people I know who are carrying a heavy heart due to infertility or pregnancy loss. I often look at my baby girl and thank God, through many tears, that I have her... even though it was a hard fight just to conceive and eventually deliver... I'd do it all over again. People have asked me, and I've wondered as well, if I will face the same battle when we decide to TTC again. I really don't have an answer, although I do find it highly likely based on my body's behavior since having Zoey. Instead of focusing on the hard road I traveled to get where I am today, I'm going to focus on the blessing. I wish I could wave my hand and change infertility. I wish those who would be great mothers would have happy ovaries and a joyful uterus... I wish those who abandon, abuse and neglect their children would be the ones stricken with infertility. Unfortunately, it isn't up to me. But I can promise you all one thing... if you're suffering with infertility, I am praying for you. Whether or not you believe in prayer, I am praying for you and will keep praying for you. Although we do not understand God's plan sometimes, we have to trust that He is bigger than everything we are and has a reason for every trial we face in our walk of life.

The fire is refining you to gold. Please let me know how I can specifically pray for you...

Angry Ovaries

I guess it's no surprise that PCOS just doesn't end, even after a baby. I didn't get my hopes up with thinking things would be easier post baby... I know there would be somewhat of an obstacle, I just didn't know how far it would go.

I've determined my ovaries don't like me very much and if they could talk, they would have some 4-letter words for me. Sure, you laugh now, but they are mean little boogers!! After I had Zoey, I made sure I pumped as much milk as I could to freeze because I knew sooner or later I would need to start birth control pills to "tame the beast" and it would put a dent in my milk production. When Zoey was 7 weeks old, I started Loestrin24. I had read about the low hormones, how it shortens "george", etc. I decided to give it a try. I was still able to pump until she was about 12 weeks old or so... then it just dried up. I was sad, but knew if I didn't start treatment, my ovaries would get out of control. Unfortunately, Loestrin24 is the worst decision I could have made.

Not only did my ovaries rebel against me painfully, I bled almost non-stop until July 25. I'd go a max of 4 days without bleeding, then it would hit me as if it was day 1 all over again... heavy bleeding, angry uterus cramping... I was miserable. I finally decided to seek a change... my wonderful OB gave me the option to try a pill with more estrogen or discuss an IUD. I decided to try the pill instead...

Good choice. :) We switched to something I had never heard of before, called Necon. So far so good. I haven't bled, and while I still get a few random sharp pains, my ovaries are overall happier. I don't know what the heck is going on in there... I don't know if I ovulate now or what, but it hurts and there's no reason to live that way. I'm hoping the Necon continues to stay on my good list... I haven't completed a month on it yet, so I don't know how "george" will be... that will be a big deciding factor.

I've done YAZ before and apparently, it's the most recommended for PCOS, but I can't do it. It made my periods heavier and longer, dragging on for as many as 10 days. So not cool. I guess we'll see what happens... I'll report back after I experience my first "george" and see if the Necon really is a new BFF.

Save The Date, thanks to ALBERTO

March 26 is Zoey's scheduled c-section. But first, to bring some of you up-to-speed...

While in Mesa, AZ for work last week, I got a call from my OB saying that after reviewing report #2 from the high risk Dr, she's worried about my cervix thinning too quickly. It went from a 3.2 to a 2.6 in just 7 days. 2.5 usually means bed rest... she talked to me about the possibility of hospital bed rest in Nashville if things don't slow down. Luckily, yesterday I was a 2.5 but she just banned me from house work instead of bed rest, but I'm not out of the clear yet.

I had steroid shot #1 yesterday, in the hip (ouch!!!!) and was hooked up to a fetal monitor for about 30 minutes. Zoey is scoring 8/8 in health, so she is thriving... she's still measuring 4 days ahead in growth, too... so technically, my c-section is at 35 weeks, but according to her growth, she'll be right at 36. The vessel is massive, I've gotten a good look at it on the ultrasound and I feel like that thing needs a name. I'm calling it Alberto. After having Fat Albert ((a) since it's a girl) for a follie the month I got pregnant, I think Alberto is a good evil twin name. Alberta and Alberto... how sweet. Not.

So after having a rough time getting pregnant and a rare complication known as vasa previa, I don't think I'll be trying for a 2nd baby anytime soon. I thought I wanted them close together, but all this high risk stuff has me in the "fear fence" right now. I'm sure my next pregnancy will be nothing like this one, but just in case... I don't know if I can chance it in the near future. I hope that after Zoey's arrival, I can keep the PCOS under control with some birth control pills. Only time will tell...

In the meantime, I have a lot to finish up before March 26!!

Overcoming PCOS: A Photo Session with Jennifer Adams

Last weekend, a photographer I go to church with offered to do a unique maternity photo session centered around the PCOS awareness jewelry I blogged about earlier this year. Jennifer did a wonderful job and was so much fun to work with. You can follow her photography journey here: Jennifer Adams Reflections.

This is the intro posted on her blog:

It was such an honor to be apart of this growing families life, and to be there through some of their times of going through these obstacles. Mom to be was so excited to start adding to her beautiful family, but soon found out that it was going to be a little longer and harder than she thought. She soon found out that she had a condition called, PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). After finding an amazing doctor and having a wonderful support system from her family, friends and church family, she stayed strong and embraced this full force.

Well fast forward to now, she has over come PCOS and is now happily expecting her first miracle, expecting a girl in spring of 2010. So this session was a special session to celebrate the bravery and faith in overcoming this and being able to move forward with this beautiful miracle showing that all things are indeed possible!

Thank you mom and dad to be for allowing me to document these moments in your life, here is a little sneak peak and I will talk to you soon…

An Ode to my Soul Cysters

I keep thinking about my fellow Soul Cysters (SC) who are still trying so hard to get pregnant and it aches my heart. I think of those who have been trying longer than me and those who have had losses. There is a cyster on SC who has had 8 losses... that's right, eight. And one of those was in her 2nd trimester. How does she keep pushing forward after that? Another cyster lost her baby hours after delivery due to unexplained circumstances. She labored for hours, delivered a beautiful healthy baby, and lost is just hours later. How does this kind of thing happen?!

Before you freak out on me for worrying, I'm not stressing myself out. I'm not freaking out, I just have a deep empathy for those who are trying so hard to become mothers and just can't because their stubborn ovaries are on strike. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to be a woman who can't fulfill her womanly duty. We actually want our periods to come, just so we feel somewhat normal. I feel... lucky, blessed, and overwhelmed that I am actually pregnant. It doesn't always feel real to me. Not at all. I see all these cysters who have been trying longer than me and even gone through more treatments, and I feel like it's so unfair. Why should a good woman have to try so hard to get pregnant, but a teenager or prostitute can at the drop of a hat? I don't understand God's plan sometimes, but I just have to trust that He does know what He is doing. I just wish I could say one tiny prayer and BAM, one of my cysters is pregnant. Oh, how I wish... I'd give them ALL babies. Some even twins!

Fellow cysters, I love you all so much. You've encouraged me to keep pushing forward and I hope & pray that I can do the same for you. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to just vent and cry about your battle with infertility. I totally understand where you are coming from and hope I can help. Don't give up hope. God has a baby for us all.

I hope my Appleseed decides to stick and stay put for another 35+ weeks. I hope I can be an official "Triumphant Cyster." I just have to live day-by-day and put everything in God's hands.

September 15 can't come soon enough.....

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Poppyseed

1 Samuel 1:27

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

I guess it is time to make "the mother" of all announcements!!

Glenn and I are most definitely expecting our very first baby! Our little seed's estimated arrival date is April 25, 2010. It has been one year since I had my first cyst and it took us 8 months & 5 medicated cycles to achieve this pregnancy. Do I feel like I have accomplished something huge? You bet. Do I feel scared this is too good to be sure? Definitely. People keep telling me to just relax and everything will be fine... of course, the people telling me to relax are perfectly healthy & fertile people. It's very difficult to relax when you know your mom's side of the family has a history of unexplained losses, unrelated to PCOS. It's very difficult to relax when you know that your chances of a healthy pregnancy are less because of PCOS. However, the good news is, my doctor is amazing and is going to do everything in her power to be sure that I have a healthy & full pregnancy. I am going to stay on my Metformin and hope it lives up to its task of lowering my change of miscarriage. I've got a year and a half of prenatal vitamins running through my veins and hopefully the folic acid will also do it's job and keep my little poppyseed safe.

I also know that regardless of what I want, God has a plan and I have to just trust in that. He knows what He is doing... and if this little poppyseed is meant to grow into a watermelon for birth, then it'll happen. Will I be upset if it doesn't go through? Absolutely. But I know, and have faith, that He knows what He is doing... even if I don't understand it or want to believe it, He knows and is bigger than me. It reminds me of a song we sing in church... "God is bigger than the air I breathe, the world we'll leave... God will save the day and all will say, 'My Glorious!'"

Now to share my little story on how I came to find out I am in fact cooking up a bun in my oven!!
On Wednesday, August 12, at just 9 days past ovulation, I decided to take a HPT. Now to explain a little something... on August 2, I had an hCG shot to force ovulation... it typically takes 10 days for it to leave your system... August 12 was day 10, so I figured if it was positive, it was actually the shot. I just wanted to know if it was still in my system. Well, I got a very faint positive... one so light, it wouldn't even photograph. I coughed it up to be an evap line and just decided I would test the next day... in my own logic, if it got darker, it was a real positive test... if it got lighter or was negative, it was the shot leaving/out of my system.

August 13, I tested, it was positive... but again, very light. However, it did get a tad darker. I still didn't believe it. On Friday, August 14, on my way to work, I stopped at Walgreens and purchased a 2-pack of the mother of all HPTs... the First Response Early Result tests. At 10:30 a.m., I snuck into the bathroom at work... woah and behold... BAM:

When I saw this immediately come up, I ran back into my co-worker's office, closed her door, showed her the test and started bawling like a baby. I couldn't believe it. Was this real? Was this the shot playing tricks on me? In my heart, I knew this was it. But of course, being the OCD person I am, I decided to test again over the weekend... I tested on Saturday with my last First Response... it was positive. Finally on Sunday morning, I took a digital I had stored away as a last resort.Five HPTs later, I can finally admit that I am, in fact, pregnant. I went to the doctor on Monday (I was 4 weeks, 1 day pregnant), had my first beta test, my hCG level was 125, which is great for that early. Today, I had another one and it came back at 243, which is very healthy! the minute my doctor texted me the results, I started crying. Tears of joy, of course! What all this means is that I seriously started to find out I was knocked up at 3.5 weeks. Apparently Glenn's little army wasn't waiting around... they attacked, implanted, and BAM... I'm pregnant!

This is how I told Glenn that he was a father-to-be:I've been following TheBump.com's list that compares how big your baby is with food... perfect for me, right? On Sunday, when I am officially 5 weeks pregnant, my little poppyseed will complete it's transformation to an apple seed... and from there a sweet pea.

As for my early symptoms? My boobs are out to get me. I've switched entirely over to sports bras because I can't stand the pain. I didn't sleep well all weekend because they kept reminding me they were there and it hurt... bad. Now, I sleep much better but don't look forward to the moment I have to actually get up. Otherwise, I've had a lot of cramping, but it's not unbarable... it's actually a lot easier to deal with than period pains. The cramps have also gotten more spaced apart. It's not a constant pain by any means. Just annoying. Over the weekend I think I cramped the most... but now it's not nearly as bad. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant... I'm not sick, I'm not bloated, I'm not craving anything abnormal... I know it's freakishly early to experience these things, but it makes me feel like I'm less pregnant because I don't.

I'll conclude this blog with one thing... I hate the book What to Expect When You're Expecting. It has already caused more anxiety and more crying fits than I would have imagined. I'll save this rant for another blog...

Fat Albert's P4

Fat Albert came through with a progesterone level of 16. This is the highest it has ever been in my PCOS walk and my Dr feels really good about it. This means no supplements for me. Thank GOD because I already feel like I'm on them and because of this I knew the number was going to be a good one. I just knew it.

Next Monday my Dr wants me to come in for a beta... not sure how I feel about that just yet. If I don't get a positive test at home, I don't think I'll go. Here's to hoping...

PCOS Awareness Jewelry (part 2)

To conclude my last blog... below are the photos of the customized PCOS awareness jewelry made especially for me by smitten jewelry on Etsy.

I am sooooo excited! She did a necklace + earrings set just for me. I highly recommend you take a second and consider purchasing either a pre-made piece of jewelry from her shop, or work with her to customize something just for you. To see her list of supplies, visit here. She's pretty quick and all of her reviews are awesome. Wearing this will remind me that even though I have PCOS, it doesn't have me. There is beauty to be seen...

PCOS Awareness Jewelry

Fellow cysters,

If you have not seen this jewelry, you really should go check it out. One of our fellow cysters has a shop on Etsy and she sells all PCOS awareness jewelry. She calls it Smitten Jewelry.

The necklaces are gorgeous. Because I love so many of her designs and can't make up my mind, she is working with me to customize a necklace just for me. I am SO excited! She's gotten good reviews and I can't wait to see what my finished product looks like. As soon as I get it, I'll post a picture.

Go check out her shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5650911

Fat Albert or Alberta?

Had the ever-so-fun follie ultrasound this morning. Glenn and I have been working very hard on house stuff, so I've been keeping my mind off of the whole conceiving process. It's made life so much easier, actually. I've been relaxed and not thinking about if my follies are growing or not growing. Well... it paid off... and I'm not 100% convinced if it is a good thing yet.

If you know anything about healthy follies, you know that pretty much anything over 15mm is considered a good possibility for a baby. Well, I had 3 follies again this cycle... one was a 13, the other a 16. I'll save the best for last.

16 looks promising... it's a good size, a good shape... overall, lookin' good. 13 needs to grow a bit, so we've decided to wait another day to give it some time to grow. Knowing how I respond to Clomid, I wouldn't be surprised if it grew to a 16 by tomorrow and if Mr. 16 grew to an 18.

However.... we have a potential problem. My 3rd follie is a.... brace yourself... 28!! Holy cow. My doctor was literally freaking out. She said things like, "Is this a baby?!" No.... "GOD your ovary must be the size of my fist." NOT something I wanted to hear... then she said to me, "That sucker is going to hurt when it bursts." THEN, she named it Fat Albert, and we all burst out laughing. So... Fat Albert is huge, and thank God for the trigger shot I am getting tomorrow because I don't think I could handle it cysting. I need it to burst. Oh, please burst... please don't cyst over. I hope it bursts on its own, actually... I hope it doesn't grow into an alien overnight. I hope the other 2 grow, but Fat Albert needs to go on a diet.

She is thinking Fat Albert is over-mature and may not be a good candidate for conceiving... but then she said, "Well, if you end up with a big 'ol baby, we know which follie it came from." LOL. Geez. The size of the baby to the follie isn't real, but it's a funny thing to think about. I don't see how something that big is in there right now and I don't even really feel it. It's on my right ovary (Ovie), the other 2 were on the left. Lefty I've been feeling some activity going on for about a week so I knew something had to be cookin' over there... I had no idea Ovie was going to be such an over-achiever.

I guess if I have a baby who grows up be little miss or mr perfect, straight A's, over-achiever, I'll know where it came from, LOL. The dr, once again, gave me the follie ultrasound pics to keep, but this time she gave them ALL to me. Well, to Glenn, lol. Yes, Glenn got to come this time since it was on a Saturday, and I'm so thankful he got to see what is really going on in there. Fat Albert was a really cool thing to see. :) Come on Fatty, in the words of the Beatles, "don't let me down!"

Progesterone Land

9:00 p.m. last night, my phone rings. "Dr. Felix" is on my BlackBerry screen. "9:00? I expected her call tomorrow," I said to Glenn, then excused myself to take the call. We had company over. There was good news to be heard and she insisted I speak to her then. "Jessi, your P4 result was good, but we need it to be a little higher. Your level was 11.4, this tells us you did ovulate well, but if you're pregnant, you need a little help to prevent loss. The level needs to be over 15." Okay, so what do we do at 9:00 at night...?? Dr. Felix told me of a 24-hour pharmacy in Springfield. She wanted me to go and pick up an order of 200mg Prometrium (Progesterone) right that second, right after she called it in. *Ahem*

"Dr. Felix, can I just go tomorrow? I have to go get more Metformin anyway--"

"No, you need this now. I don't want you to wait another 24 hours in case you're pregnant... what if your level goes down? You need this now."

*sigh* Okay well I appreciate her being so persistant and looking out for my best interest... so she tells me where she's calling it in to and that I need to be ready to go get it. I go into town and the pharmacy was sooooooooo slow, we didn't leave until 10:30. But alas, I have my Prometrium, and as the doctor ordered, I started it last night. I've taken this before (3 times actually) to shrink cysts and induce aunt flow (AF), so I know all to well that it comes with a new handful of side effects, including making you feel pregnant 24/7. So every sore boob, wave of nausia, and dizzy spell has to be overlooked until I get a big fat positive or AF next week.

She also wanted me to come in next week for a follow-up blood test, but I will be in FL on vacation so unless she wants to make the trip with us, I have to get the test before then. We agreed on Saturday, which means I have to go through the hospital for it since the womens' center will be closed. *sigh* Oh well. I should have an answer Saturday afternoon or Monday... if the level isn't at 15 or higher, I have to double the pill intake. If it's looking good, I'll just have to keep taking the normal dose until further notice. She gave me 2 months worth. I hope this is a good sign. She said something about the cysts hoarding all the progesterone... darn them.

I can't wait to go on vacation. We leave Sunday for a week and it is much needed. Progesterone Land isn't fun, but the end result is so worth it if all goes according to plan.

Talking to Your Ovaries Works!

I've been giving my ovaries a pep talk every day since finishing my Clomid. "Grow little follies, grow!" has been the most commonly used sentence for about a week now. Well, all that persistance paid off!

Dr. Felix found three large, very perfect follies on my right ovary yesterday afternoon. My left was covered in tiny ones that will just cyst over. I feel like my right ovary deserves a name because she always comes through for me. Let's call her... Ovie. ;) Ovie came through with 17, 18, and 25 mm follies. When we first started the ultrasound, my doctor said, "OH!!! Look how beautiful!!" to which I replied, "What do you see?!?!?!?" Then, there they were... I watched her measure over and over again while listening to her "ooohhh" and "aaahhh" over my follies. She told me I was responding beautifully to the Clomid and that if I come back pregnant with triplets, she has the follie scan photos to prove it. *ahem*

Well. I sure hope God's plan isn't for triplets. Twins, sure... but obviously, I'll take whatever I can get!! I think my chance of catching just one is much higher than anything, so we'll see. For a keepsake, she gave me an ultrasound picture of her "favorite follie," that way if we do get pregnant, we can say, "This was our baby before it was even conceived!!" Is that too weird? lol I didn't ask for the picture, she just said, "Keep this for good luck!" and handed it to me. I just smiled and thanked her.

So, I've been stuck with a needle of 10,000 units of HCG to make my ovaries do what they are supposed to so the follies don't just turn into cysts. I keep talking to Ovie, telling her it's okay to remember she's female and function properly, and that if she promises to be good, I won't ever get a hysterectomy. I'll allow her to live a full life and die with me. But she has to behave. Yes, I barter with my body parts.

I have to give prayer more credit than bartering with my ovaries. On Sunday morning, Glenn and I had our pastor pray over us. I thoroughly believe in the power of prayer. I've seen it work and do big things in peoples' lives. Glenn and I pray constantly and always ask others to please think of us in their quiet time. Dealing with PCOS makes life hard, but when you're trying to conceive under the rath of PCOS, life is even harder. We try to stay positive and remember God has a plan for us. Even if it's multiples, we'll love those babies like no one else! Our pastor did pray that God gives us a house full of babies... oops.

Plan B

Day One.

June/July cycle: Clomid 50mg + trigger shot

Going back to the good 'ol Clomid. It's reliable. I have control. The side effects suck. But it's so worth it.

Yesterday was aweful. I cried all day at work and had to keep my office door shut. Hormones were raging. I had no control. My feelings got hurt easily. Finally, today, the wait and anxiety ended. I woke up to a new day and a great phone call from my doctor. Things are going to be okay. All I can do is try again.

A little PCOS frustration... I think Soy failed me.

I am starting to think it's possible the Soy failed me, but I am not 100% sure. First of all, I really thought I had ovulated the last week in May... had all the symptoms... and then about 5 days later, I got hit really hard with ovary pain; I really thought it was another large cyst. I was miserable for about 3 days, then it went away. I am thinking it's possible I actually ovulated then... now, the thing is, if I did in fact ovulate, I did it very late... day 26 in my cycle. So as you can predict, I am now on day 40 and it seems as if the evil witch is no where in sight. My last POAS (pee on a stick) session as last Friday, which was obviously a big fat negative. I tested based on the thought that I ovulated in May. I really thought the witch would at least show her face by then... but alas, here I am, super late and nothing in sight. I'm frustrated beyond all frustration right now. I called my doctor this morning to leave a message for her to call me back... I found myself fighting off tears as I told the receptionist, "Please tell Dr. Felix that it's day 40 and I still haven't started, she knows what I've been going through with this... I'd like to come in Friday morning for a P4 if nothing shows by then. I need her to call me. I don't know what else to do."

If anything, it should at least start by Friday morning. I've had the symptoms for over a week now. Try feeling like you're on your period every single day, only to actually not be. I cramp, my lower back is tight, my ovaries hurt, I'm moody, sensitive, sore, and annoyed. I'm hungry and can't stop eating iced molasses cookies! I know Dr. Felix is going to want me to test at home tomorrow-Friday before coming in Friday morning, just in case. I don't feel like wasting the money, but I will. I'm tired and irritable. I don't know if I should try Soy again. Right now, my confidence is gone. If Soy means I have to have super long cycles with no answers, then screw it. I'll go back on the Clomid! Only Friday will tell... the P4 will tell me everything... did I ovulate? Do I need supplements? Just have to be patient until then...

Random Updates for this first week in June!

Well, first of all, my puppy Falkor is getting massive! He is creeping up on 14 weeks old (yes, 3.5 months old) and is almost as big as Lily, who, by the way, is 65 pounds and 5 years old. Falkor is going to be a horse, and I absolutely love it. Here are some picture updates so you can see how big he is compared to our full-grown dog...

I love seeing them play together. Falkor is such a love and has filled the "baby void" in our hearts for now. :) I'm totally in love with these 2 furbabies!

Speaking of fur, we have a critter in our attic that I am going to hunt down tonight. While getting ready for work this morning, I heard one of my cat's meowing obnoxiously and looking up at the ceiling. I stopped for a second and looked to see what she was meowing at, expecting to see some kind of fly or moth. But there was nothing in site... then, I heard a hopping and scurry sound. at first I thought maybe it's a bird because it was hopping around... but the scurry sound leads me to believe that it's much bigger than a cute little bird. So my imagination is running wild right now. What could it be?! A squirrel, mouse, chipmunk, or even a raccoon? And better yet, HOW in the world did it get up there?! In my mind, I'm imagining going up there and seeing a critter from the 1980s movie Critters. Better guard my neck from getting pierced by flying poison darts!

On the realm of PCOS, there really isn't much to report. I'm trying to not over-analyze every symptom like we PCOS ladies tend to do. I admit, I'm one to research how I'm feeling every month if I suspect a bouncing bean. Most of the time I don't suspect a thing.... With this month being up in the air due to the Soy trial, I try to remind myself that this cycle will probably be longer than Clomid cycles (since I think I ovulated later). I'm very encouraged by all the success stories I'm reading on SoulCysters.com. I can't believe how many of my fellow cysters are conquering PCOS with pregnancy, even some soy cysters! It's so so so encouraging and uplifts me to see the BFPs (big fat positives) roll in. My day is coming, this I know for sure. When? Eh. I can't be for certain. But I know God intends on me becoming a mother. He's given me enough practice with other people's babies over the past 5 years. :)

Speaking of other people's babies!!!! My best friend Emily is having her baby as I type this. Last night, she got checked into the hospital to start softening her cervix and now she should be dilating! Poor thing is 12 days late today... I can't imagine how she must be feeling. I think I'd have my doctor's head on a stake if she let me go 12 days late. I should probably warn my doctor in advance that I cannot promise an ugly side of me won't arise if she even dare let me go more than a week past my due date. Emily, I'm rooting for you and can't wait until baby Mia is born into this world. She's going to have a lot of love from all of us!

Coldplay concert is on Saturday and I'm so excited I could cry. I've been listening to Coldplay since before everyone else was! lol... no joke. I've been a loyal fan and never got to experience them live... and now, in 72 hours, I will get to. I know I'll cry. Their music is very emotional and holds a lot of special memories in my life. I can't wait to experience them live with my husband by my side. :)

That's pretty much it! When I have something else of substance, I'll post again. I hope for a BFP in my future. Oh, how I hope for it. :)

HSG is scheduled... meh.

The dreaded HSG is next Wednesday, the 20th, at 8:30 a.m. I was fine with it until my doctor prescribed me a Valium to take because as she put it, "The procedure is uncomfortable and awkward, you might be overly anxious once they start so you need to take the Valium 30 minutes before to calm you down. Someone will need to drive you home." Eh. Not exciting to hear. I've also been told to take 800 mg Ibuprofin. I've never taken a Valium before so I have no idea how I'll feel or react. I just hope this whole thing is as fast as my doctor says it is. Fifteen minutes and I should be out of there with answers! Blocked tubes or clear tubes?? That is the question... wish me luck!

Going the au naturale route!!

Due to the limitations of consecutive cycles on Clomid, I am taking a med break for the month of May. It is said that 6 months are considered safe, but Clomid is known to thin the lining of your uterus and we all know I can't be having that! I have enough problems as it is. Even though I've only done 3 consecutive cycles, my doc has recommended I take a break in May so I can get an HSG done before we go forward. What is an HSG you ask?

Well, an HSG is where they insert a dye into your uterus and it travels up into the fallopian tubes so an x-ray can be done. The x-ray checks for blockages in the tubes, and the dye cleans them out so they're squeeky clean. Sounds kinda like a win-win situation eh? So we'll see. If I have a blockage, hopefully it's small enough for the dye to knock it out of place. My doc feels it's necessary to check for this before going further because even if the Clomid helps me ovulate, an egg can't pass through a blocked tube. So the medicine is pointless if the egg can't do what it's meant to do, which means the last 3 months could have been a waste of Clomid.

After doing much reading and research, I have decided I am going to try Soy supplements in place of the Clomid. Soy is natural and apparently does the SAME thing Clomid does. Who knew?! So, I am going to try it. The rule of thumb is to double your soy based on whatever Clomid dosage works for you... so 50mg Clomid works for me, thus 100mg of Soy should work, too. Soy won't thin the lining of my uterus. Soy is good for me and will strengthen my heart. :) So we'll see what happens... we'll see if it even works for me... and in the meantime I am going to start tracking my basal body temperature for the first time.

Call me a hippie because I am going au naturale this cycle!!

Well... except for the Metformin. But I'll pretend it comes from God's green Earth and not a lab.

Peace.

...a PCOS update

Eh. I haven't really blogged about my PCOS lately because I'm kind of weary of blogging about it. I don't know why, it's just a problem I have. But I realize it's probably healthier for me to blog it than to not. So I guess here goes an update on my journey... April is 3rd round of Clomid (fertility med) and my first month on Metformin (used to balance my minor insulin resistance)... this cycle, my doctor did things a little different. Right around ovulation time, she did an ultrasound on my ovaries to look for mature follicles. Good news is there was one very large one on my right ovary. Because of this, she gave me a "trigger shot," which forces the follicle to burst and release the egg like its supposed to. As far as I know, it worked, but last weeks blood test showed my progesterone hormone is still lower than it should be... this doesn't make sense. It should be a lot higher than it was after all these steps we took so I'm a little discouraged and not understanding what is really happening here.

All I really know is that I only have 3 more rounds of Clomid before we have to take a little break. Clomid can be harmful if used for over 6 months in a row without a break, so I hope we can beat the clock. I'm tired... my body is already worn out from the past 3 months. Why can't my hormones just be at peace with each other and behave? This whole thing literally came up out of nowhere... I went from having perfectly healthy cycles to nothing at all. PCOS didn't even exist in my world... and then suddenly it reared its ugly head.

I am thankful for a couple things... one, I don't have a severe insulin resistance, just enough to be on a very low dose of Metformin and have my insurance think I'm diabetic, lol... two, the lowest dose of Clomid seems to work for me.

But of course, part of me struggles with the fact that there are so many unfit mothers and teenage mothers who have babies and just don't deserve them. Drug addicts, alcoholics, abusers, aborters, prostitutes... they're all able to get pregnant easily and then someone like me is really struggling to make it to the finish line. I know God has a plan in all this, but part of me can't help but ask "WHY?" I love my God, and I have no doubt that He will bless us in His time, but I am struggling with why. Maybe I'm not meant to have an answer. All I want is some peace.

I want peace with God's decision.