One Year Ago...

One year ago today, I was 30 weeks pregnant and I went to my weekly OB appt for a placenta check. I had a rare form of vasa previa where my placenta had split in two and each section was connected by a blood vessel covering the cervix. This means if my water broke or I went into labor, I could bleed out and lose the baby and possibly my own life as well.

During this scary time in my pregnancy, I was getting weekly ultrasounds to check the placenta's activity and to see if I was dilating/effacing at all. By this point, I had been already. That day, I never went home. I went into an ambulance and to a hospital equipped to handle my situation.

If any of you are looking for some dramatic reading, check out the old posts from the vasa previa days, starting with the day I was Admitted. Then, there is a filter by Dealing With The Hospital, that's some fun reading right there. Start at the bottom... work your way up. If you feel so inclined. :) Today, I'm taking a trip down memory lane and looking back on those days... I still can't believe that was my life, but at the same time it feels like yesterday...

It feels like just yesterday...

It feels like just yesterday I was laying in the hospital just waiting... waiting and not knowing what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. I still feel like a large chunk of my life has been taken away, even though it has been 3 months since Zoey was born... but in reality, I've only had her home for 2 of those months. Really, really hard to believe...

I've come to the realization that placentas are evil little things. A necessary evil... I can't even count on both hands how many people have issues with it... low-lying, completely lying, splitting in half, lol... I mean, wow! Maybe I just never noticed it before because I never knew what to worry about... but it seems like it's everywhere now... I only hope to God that no one I know has to go through the same thing I did.

It still feels like yesterday that I was fainting in the bathroom, with four nurses hovering over me... like yesterday that I was crying in pain when the pain meds weren't kicking in fast enough... crying because my baby was regressing in NICU instead of progressing.

I've said this 100 times and I'll say it again. I would do it all over again. This baby girl is truly a miracle and was worth every fight during the TTC process, every tear shed, and every long night in the hospital. I'm getting back in the swing of life, but I still feel drained at the thought that most of my 2010 was spent dealing with the hospital. I look forward to it being a distant memory so I don't remember the fight as vividly. I still feel like I just got home.

Sometimes I just stare at her and cry a little. What a precious gift she is... and she is mine.

Home Sweet Home.

I think I'll be perfectly content never stepping foot in Centennial Women's Hospital again. Don't get me wrong. The staff is awesome. But now that 8 weeks of my life has been given to that place... 8 weeks that felt like 8 years... I am content to never go back.

We are finally home with Zoey. On April 18, we finally got to bring her home. None of it seemed real until we were being walked out to our car by the discharge nurse. She is finally ours. After 3.5 weeks in NICU, she is ours.

She is doing well. She still has some issues with feeding. Being a preemie, her suck/swallow coordination is a little off and she forgets to breathe in between sucks, so we have to help her with that and burp her very frequently. The pediatrician says it's a reflux thing she'll grow out of as well. I look forward to her growing out of it.

I'm back to breastfeeding a little more. We figured out why she kept choking... well, we knew it was because I couldn't control my flow, but we found a solution. Pump first, then feed using a nipple shield. Works like a charm. Sometimes I just go ahead and feed without pumping and she's improving. We can't give up the shield yet, but we're getting closer. Sometimes we bottle feed my milk and that is going okay... she had a horrible choking spell in the hospital on April 6 using the Dr. Browns, and we were afraid to try them again, but she's taking them just fine now...

Home life is great. I love having her. She's a good baby! She sleeps good between feedings. She only gets fussy when she can't get a burp out or when she has hiccups, which she does have all the time, but she doesn't fuss the whole time. The dogs have kissed all over her, the cats have been sniffy, but not once have I heard a hiss or growl from any of the furbabies. So far everyone gets along just fine.

I'm glad the hospital nightmare is over. People ask me how I feel about a second child. My feeling is... I want one. But don't expect it for at least 3 years. I don't even want to discuss pregnancy until then. I love my daughter and am so thankful for her after the journey we've been on together. The hospital was a small chapter in my life that I am pleased to end. Motherhood post-hospital is a brand new chapter that I look forward to continuing.

Let's hope the rest of 2010 is much better...

Sweet moment between father and daughter in the hospital

A Hospital Update on Zoey

I am going to try my best to blog via BlackBerry so please excuse my typos...

Zoey is now 13 days old. The only thing keeping her in the hospital is the infamous spell count. Zoey has to go 5 days without forgetting to breathe... This week she went 4 days, we were asked to spend the night, getting ready to take her home... and then she had 5 spells in one day. I lost count of how many times I cried. I only completely lost it once though. When does this cycle end? PCOS, vasa previa, and a baby who can't breathe. Everything else with her is perfect. She eats a little over 2 oz every 4 hours right now and breastfeeds well.

Speaking of breast milk... Oh my goodess... I have a problem, but a good one... I over-produce. I can pump more than a day's supply of Zoey's meals in just 15 minutes. I'm not kidding. My freezer is too full right now... I pump ever 3-4 hours and only nurse her once a day... Can you imagine how much milk that is? In a day I have a week's worth of meals for her. This is definitely one thing I wanted very badly and I got it. I can produce 6-8 oz each time I pump so we're definitely in the milking business.

We have worked on decorating Zoey's room some more and boy is it cute. It's good to be home with my furbabies but when I get up in the middle of the night to pump instead of breastfeed, I feel like crying. I worked so hard for her and I don't have her... The hospital does. She is sweet as can be, such a cuddler... I miss her horribly when we leave in the afteroon. Eventually she will grow out of her preemie stage and remember to breathe. Right now it's just what preemies do.

I guess that is all I can update... I will try to blog more but right now I only can via BB. The internet is off at home until I make more $ again.

We've been discharged...

I'm no longer a patient in this hospital, but we've been allowed a courtesy stay for tonight. Zoey is progressing but I still won't be able to take her home just yet. I'm going to have a very difficult time leaving her here tomorrow night.

My milk supply is rapidly increasing. Thursday, I started out with 0.5mL of colostrum every other time I'd pump... today (Saturday) I've gotten 23mL of actual milk. Zoey eats 20mL right now, which means she can exclusively have my milk as long as I can keep producing. Today we attempted to actually breastfeed and she latched right on, but she was so sleepy, she didn't really feed. She felt comfort though, she just wanted to nuzzle and cuddle and stay latched on, but she didn't really drink. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. What upset me was that the nurse decided "we shouldn't force the breast on her but she needs to eat so I need to wake her up." She took her from my arms, woke her up, and bottle fed her my milk. Why couldn't we wake her to feed off me? That is why I am here. I didn't understand this... they also told me we can only try the breast once per shift, so I can't try again until tonight, but I at least have 23mL of milk pumped to give her just in case she doesn't want to latch on tonight.
Each day she has progressed big time and they have been able to take her off all breathing help. She is quite lovely... becoming more aware of Glenn and me... she just stares at us and we've been able to comfort her cries with our voices and touch. It's wonderful to be able to do that for her. Last night was the first time I got to hold her and it was wonderful. I've been limited on holding her because she has the feeding tube in her umbilical, which is in a major artery, so they've had to limit contact with her. That is supposed to come out tonight and an IV is going in her hand instead. I should be able to hold her more now.

I hope to have her home for Easter. She is a progressing steadily so I don't see why we couldn't... we just ask that everyone pray for her and that she keeps her strength up. She has lost almost a whole pound and is now down to 5lb 10oz, but they said it's okay because she had a lot of fluid to work out of her little system. As for me... well, I am progressing, too. My feet and ankles are bigger than they were when pregnant because of the c-section so that really sucks. They told me it'd get worse before it got better but I just need to keep trying to move and rest as much as possible.

Here's hoping for a quick recovery for little miss Zoey...

March 24, 2010: Zoey Elizabeth is Born

Zoey Elizabeth Wallace
Centennial Women's Hospital

4:19 p.m., 6lb 6 oz, 19.5" long

At 4:00 p.m. I received my spinal injection for the c-section. It was so easy and much less painful than getting an IV. I was calm as a cucumber, completely relaxed and so ready to meet my baby girl. The hospital took extra precautions due to our situation... I had 2 IV's going, one was on hold for blood in case the vessel from the vasa previa got nicked in the surgery. NICU was in there a well, ready and waiting for Zoey's debut. Surprisingly, the spinal med took a long time to work it's way up my body... they kept tilting the table back to help it move up to my belly. Being tipped back eventually made me nauseated, but a shot of Zofran in my IV took care of that.

I think I did pretty well during the procedure... I talked the whole time and enjoyed the moment. My OB said when she cut into me, that ugly vessel was looking right at her. I got to see this thing and it was definitely an odd-looking placenta! Zoey was born crying and that made me feel so much better. I knew it meant her lungs were somewhat functioning. After crying and gasping for a while, she finally decided she needed some assistance. She was put in NICU and there she stays... for now. Each day she graduates a little bit, progresses enough to where they can take her off something. Her lungs are still a little crackly and her x-rays a bit fuzzy, but she is fighting for her life and determined to get out of there.

Unfortunately, all that magnesium sulfate I was on has affected her and that breaks my heart. She is so sleepy... I hate it for her. But they say she just needs to sleep it off... eventually she'll work it out of her system. As for me... well. I'm also struggling quite a bit... bed rest for 5 weeks and all those meds have made my healing process much slower. I had a couple episodes today where I almost fainted and several nurses had to come in and help. I'm in a lot of pain, even on the Percocet and Motrin. My body is just exhausted from this journey.

In the meantime, the lactation consultants have me pumping to bring in my milk supply. Zoey cannot have anything yet, but they offered to freeze it for me. Pumping is definitely painful... but each time I do it, a little more colostrum (aka Liquid Gold) comes in and they will be able to give her what I produce. It's getting easier to deal with, too. I pump every 3 hours right now. It's worth it knowing I am able to provide for my baby girl what no one else can... what she needs the most right now is extra nutrients and my colostrum has that... every drop counts.

The hardest part for me right now is that I can't hold her. I held her (sorta) after she was born and was placed on my chest, all swaddled... but once she was taken away that was it... no more baby in my arms. That hurts the most. But I know she is in the best care and I finally got to see her tonight. We want to bond with her so badly but it's just not possible right now. We know she is much safer now though... the scary placenta is gone and I can rest assured that Zoey is safe.

Right now, we don't think she looks like either one of us... she is a pretty baby, but where did she come from? Her ultrasound one week ago was right on the money... she was over 6 lbs! She's in newborn size diapers right now but I think she'll be able to wear some preemie stuff we got as well. She is still small, even though she's considered large for a 35 week gestation baby. They aren't used to the babies being that big.

I look forward to her getting over this hump and coming home with me. She is a fighter like me. I am so proud of her :)

We're having a baby... my baby and me.

4:00 this afternoon, Centennial Women's Hospital, Zoey will make her debut! My OB wasn't kidding when she texted me yesterday and asked if I'd be okay to deliver today... basically, they gave her the clear to decide when this week... not just limited to Friday... she decided ASAP is best. I didn't really think it'd be today but boy was I wrong...

I got to eat breakfast but now I'm limited to ice chips, which I am THANKFUL for because I was originally told I couldn't even have those! I had a consult with anesthesia, he gave me the run-down on the surgery, and let me know that I have to have 2 IVs going, which sucks, but oh well. With this c-section especially, there is a large risk for bleeding... I hope this placenta behaves itself long enough to come out! He gave the permission for ice chips up to 2 hours before the surgery so THANK YOU MISTER!!

Pray for a short NICU stay... this vasa previa nightmare is almost over!

Day 34... only 4 days to go? What?

Apparently it's true. Friday, March 26 is the delivery date... so our originally scheduled date held up! I don't have a time yet but should very soon. The paperwork for my OB's temporary privileges should be completed today so maybe tomorrow I'll know my daughter's scheduled birth time. Thursday I will have my last ultrasound to check on the placenta placement one more time before they decide where to cut and if they need to go horizontal or vertical with it. We know there are anterior and posterior placentas but unsure how high up they go, so we'll see!

I got some other good news today. My doctor-of-the-week decided to wean me off the labor-stopping meds because the effect they have on my heart rate. It goes up and down quite a bit and she doesn't want it pumping extra blood during the surgery, causing more bleeding than necessary. I do have to stay on the magnesium sulfate for now, but I am perfectly cool with that. The combo of the two was way worse than just the magnesium itself. I just need to keep aware of any contractions I have, but she wants me to be comfortable these last couple of days before the surgery. This means I won't get bugged as often in the middle of the night :) I was woken up every 2 hours... rotating between doing vitals and giving me the pill. Now I can just be woken up every 4... AND I don't have to go on the monitor every 8 hours anymore, just every 12. WHEW! My belly will be SO happy about that. Now this is all hoping nothing drastically changes between now and Friday... hopefully my body will behave.

I feel good... mentally, that is. I feel better than I have in a while. I guess because there is finally an end in sight instead of me just sitting here watching the days go by with no answers. That has been very rough, but the end is finally here, and all this will be just a memory.

Day 31... Eh...

The amnio test was yesterday and it went really well, even though the results didn't go so well. The needle wasn't very painful at all (the IVs hurt a lot worse), just breathing was a little rough having a needle in my belly... but it was neat to watch the needle on the ultrasound and see the doctor pull the amniotic fluid. I had lots of it so it was very easy and quick for him to grab it. He took a little extra and asked if he had permission to study it... yeah sure, go right ahead. Have your fun.

I was full of optimism and hope... hopeful that the 4 steroid shots actually made a difference in Zoey's lung development... hopeful she was at least transitional... I didn't expect her to be fully mature, I mean... she is just 34 week gestation... even if she is measuring far ahead... but this is the break down:

55 or higher is mature
40-54 is transitional

Zoey is at 32.

I don't think I would have cried so much this morning if she was at 40. I would have at least felt more at ease that she was well on her way. I texted with my OB all morning, she called the dr for me, got the rundown, and relayed the info back to me. He basically told her that this pushes things back a week (unless an emergency arises), he may repeat the amnio next week and see what happens, but until then I need to just hold tight a little longer. Unfortunately, one week in this place already feels like one month and I am dying to be home...

My body has tried to reject her twice now... how many times will they wait and how many more drugs will they put me on before just taking her out? This vasa previa is a very scary thing... I know enough about it to lose sleep at night. As she gets bigger, what will happen?

I finally spoke to the doctor and he explained in detail how lung maturity works... it tends to rapidly speed up instead of steadily incline, so Zoey could very well be fine next Friday. Or she could need NICU, but he thinks she would do better than I think. So the news is getting somewhat better... he said he heard my OB got temporarily privileges approved for the hospital and he is going to ask her about availability next Friday, March 26, my originally scheduled c-section date, and see what materials she likes to use and get an O.R. scheduled.

I am trying to hold onto this hope. One more week... I can do this...

Day 29... FINALLY some decent news!

This morning started with an unexpected ultrasound. The tech doing Zoey's measurements kept doing them over and over and over again because she didn't believe what she was seeing. Zoey has grown from an estimated 4 lb to 6.5 lb in just 3 weeks. My amniotic fluid has increased as well, which is a good thing. She is measuring about 2 weeks ahead right now. It was time for me to stand up and ask what the heck is going on with a delivery date.

The doctor said we can schedule an amnio test for tomorrow morning and I asked him about the risks involved with it. After we talked, I decided to go for it. The risks aren't as high when you're this far along, aside from pre-term labor, which we all know I've already gone into that twice since being here, so he felt comfortable with me doing the test. I've had 4 steroid shots so this baby better be ready for the real world! Can you imagine if I carried her to term??? Good Lord. She'd be 10 lbs.

I feel good right now. Once I get good results on the amnio (notice my optimism has returned) I am going to ask for the first dang O.R. appt available! Come on Zoey, show these people what you're made of, baby!!

Day 27... A Bad Case of "The Mondays"

Zoey tried to escape again.

I was woken up at 5 a.m. on day 27 for the routine monitoring... it wasn't 20 minutes later the nurse came in and said I was contracting every 3 minutes (again). I've come to learn that when I lay certain ways, I feel contractions more than other ways... I happened to be laying a way where I felt them but not all the time.

We tried emptying my bladder because that can sometimes help, and I laid in another position... instead of getting better, things got worse. The nurse decided I shouldn't eat until I saw the doctor, so I skipped breakfast... and lunch...

They upped the magnesium (twice) and gave me an injection of Terbutaline, which did stop the contractions for a couple hours. Once they started up again, they were bigger and getting more painful. The doctor decided to not poke me every 4 hours and to try the pill form of the shot instead... they gave me a double dose, which worked, and a shot of a pain + anti-nausea med, which actually made me more nauseated instead. By that time, I just wanted a cold rag for my face and to sleep this away... and that is what I did... I managed to get into a comfortable position, propped by many pillows, and slept for about an hour.

Now, I'm allowed to eat but I don't feel like it half the time. The magnesium by itself gives you flu symptoms and doubled with the Terbutaline, it's overwhelming. I just keep crying because I feel horrible. I feel over-medicated and they keep offering me things to make me comfortable and I am just telling them no right now because I don't feel more comfortable with all the meds, I feel drugged out... I don't want anymore drugs, just the bare minimum. So I'm not only tied to the IV now, I'm tied to the monitor 24/7, until otherwise noted. I can't get up out of bed anymore without having a nurse come in to disconnect the monitor. When trying to sleep at night, there is always someone in here messing with me, moving the monitor around my belly because it obviously gets moved when I'm trying to get comfy in my sleep.

The nurses are saying that the doctor will be happy with getting me to 35 weeks, so I have 1 week to go, but Zoey obviously wants out and I can't keep going like this... will I even make it another week? My OB is on top of things so we'll see... I hope to have good news from her very soon.

Day 26...

This place is starting to get to me. I think I've done pretty well the past 3.5 weeks but now I'm not as strong as I once was. It all started last night when I laid down to go to sleep. Before I knew it, I was 10 tissue deep in tears. There is something about going to sleep alone in a hospital room when you've been so used to sleeping next to your husband and 2 cats for the last (almost) 3 years. As the days on the calendar go by, I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker. I know this has to come to a close soon and it's only a small portion of my life, but it's getting increasingly difficult to stay strong and it's so easy for people on the outside to tell me these things. I think part of what has broken me is being tied down to this IV. I can't even take a shower when I want without someone helping me. I also have to be woken up in the middle of the night, every few hours, for vitals and for the monitor. I can't even sleep this place away peacefully anymore without being reminded every few hours that I'm not in the comfort of my home. I know my hormones are at an all-time high and that is a big part of the problem, too.

Yesterday Glenn and I toured the NICU and saw a baby in there, who was born at 33 weeks, and weighed just over 3 lbs. I know Zoey is already bigger than that baby was, but it still put things into perspective. However, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Seeing the NICU gave me peace, not fear... I was seeing it from the outside, not as a mother with a baby in there. It helped me feel more comfort if Zoey does end up in there. Now I know, in advance, where she may end up going, and since I know what it looks like and the ambiance, I feel better about her going in. Yes, it's going to hurt to see my sweet baby girl in NICU if she has to go, but at least I'll feel more at ease than I otherwise could have felt.

Comfort wise... it's getting more difficult to be comfortable. Zoey is resting very low right now and I'm getting bigger by the day, which means the few stretch marks I do have are now very sore. Mostly they hurt because they are constantly strapped to the monitor. I've been trying to keep them moisturized but it's very hard when that monitor is always hooked up and that goo is always irritating them. My IV still hurts from time to time, my feet are swelling again from all the extra fluid, the magnesium sulfate is giving me headaches, my legs are very sore from laying in bed for hours and days and weeks...

There is one thing I do know. I love this baby and I am thankful I was even able to get pregnant so I can have a baby to call my own. For all I know, this will be my only pregnancy. I may never be able to have another baby. Having Zoey will be worth it in the end and this will be a distant memory. But for now, I'm going to cry from time to time because the end doesn't feel close. I'm allowed that much, right?

Day 22 was overly eventful... in a bad way.

Evening of day 21, I went on the fetal/contraction monitor for an hour as usual. The nurse didn't say anything when she took me off so I assumed everything was a-okay. I go to bed as usual, oblivious to what was about to happen...

Day 22, 1:30 a.m., nurse comes in wanting to put me on the contraction monitor... I was very annoyed. It's 1:30 a.m., and it's not normal to wake me up for this... so why now? She didn't say. I let her put me on without question and I went back to sleep.

2:30 a.m., nurse comes back... I had 6 contractions in 20 minutes... in my sleep... "Are you sure?" I asked. She called the doctor who was equally as confused as to WHY she was being woken up for this... WHY wasn't she told earlier that there was an issue and that I'd need put back on the monitor. Someone messed up... apparently she didn't read my contractions earlier in the evening, someone else noticed a heavy pattern and called her out on it in the middle of the night. *sigh*

So anyway, 3:00 a.m. they decide to start an IV and I was bummed. Really bummed. But I knew it was a possibility at any moment, so at least I enjoyed my freedom while I had it. This is what sucked... the screw-up nurse was the first to start my IV and of course, she blew the vein in my right hand. I started shaking and crying... it really hurt. She goes to get another nurse, who was too scared to try because apparently I have small veins. *sigh again* So they go get some old guy who is apparently the pro at IVs... they switch hands and he blew the vein in my left hand. Now I was really in tears and could not stop shaking. He decides to go into the wrist, and it hurt more than I could have imagined, but he finally got it right. Third time's a charm, I guess.

Once that event was over, the nurse asks if I need anything else... um, yeah, I do! Tylenol! "Where is the pain?" She asks.... really? lol... all I can do now is laugh... "Both my hands!" What did she think? Really? They felt like they were on fire! So she brought me Tylenol and a first dose of a contraction-stopping med. They kept me on the monitor...

7 a.m., my favorite nurse came in and I was SO RELIEVED that she'd be taking care of me during the day. She tells me the first dose of the med didn't work, so she was going to double it, but I wouldn't really notice any side effects. She was right, I didn't notice a thing, and dose #2 didn't work either...

9 a.m. she came back in... "I have some bad news. I'll have to put you on a magnesium sulfate drip. You're not responding to the meds." By this point, the contractions actually started to hurt and I was horribly uncomfortable. Before they were nothing... just a lot of pressure I could handle... I wouldn't call it pain. I've had cysts rupture that hurt worse! But by 9 I was hurting and she didn't want me hurting, so they started a blast of magnesium sulfate for 30 minutes.

During that 30 minutes, I did really well... it just made me feel like I had the flu, but I never got nauseated. My heart rate got dangerously high though, so that is when they decided to pull it back to half the dose. The good news is IT WORKED. The contractions slowed drastically, although it still took a few hours... but now I maybe have 2 in an hour, or none for several hours. This is good news, but also bad that I have to be on this stuff until delivery. It gives me headaches a lot and sometimes I feel really weak... like, I can only shower for so long... but otherwise, I'm okay!

Let me just say, showering is WEIRD with an IV hanging out. I've enjoyed the last 3 weeks free of help, but now I can't even undress/dress myself without a nurse present to weed the IV through my clothes. Boo. It's okay though... I feel higher in spirits again today. Yesterday was rough... so far, day 22 was the worse day here... but I'm back to a happy place. The only thing I'm really bummed about is the limitations with my right hand... and I'm right handed. But it hurts because of the IV's placement in my wrist... yesterday I couldn't even type, so it has gotten better, but I can't finish Zoey's blanket now. Glenn went ahead and packed up a lot of my entertainment... the Wii, because I can't use my wrist well enough to use the controller... the blanket-making stuff because I can't hold it properly to loom... oh well.

Zoey is still strong; none of this has phased her in the least bit. My doctor-of-the-week was shocked I hadn't gotten a consult with the NICU before asking for it. She was very apologetic... I guess that was supposed to happen as soon as I got checked in here. So hopefully soon I'll have some answers and it looks like we'll be delivering here next week. Hopefully my OB can do it! :) If not, I'm okay with it... I just want Zoey to arrive safely right now.

Day 21... Can I get a consult in room 6223?!

So....

I spoke to my OB today though various text messages and it reminded me why I was so set on keeping her as my OB during this pregnancy. I couldn't ask for a better doctor. Seriously.

It seems the doctors here aren't communicating at all. My doctor for this week was unaware of anything regarding delivery... unaware I was told 34 weeks... unaware last week's doctor said he'd keep me to 38 weeks. The only thing she was sure of was that Zoey needs to come out by 36 weeks, we can't go to 38. She said with conditions like this, she'd do 34-36. Okay, so we agree there... she said she would come to a consensus with the other doctors here about a delivery time frame.

So I asked my OB if she had already canceled my March 26 c-section and she told me she put in for the week of March 16... as in next week. BUT first, a Neonatologist (NICU) has to consult with me and it's up to the 2 of us on what happens with the delivery, not up to the high risk doctors. I didn't know this. She told me she hasn't even gotten a straight answer from my supposed "lead high risk doctor" here so I guess we're taking this into our own hands.

Tomorrow I am going to ask for the consult. AND... get this... my OB is just so cool... she is asking for temporary privileges at this hospital so she can deliver me here! If she can't, she still wants me to deliver here and she said she will just be in attendance and be there for me. I'm cool with this... the issue is the NICU... there isn't one at her hospital like I thought. So instead of being potentially separated from Zoey, it's best I deliver here. I can agree to that.

Her fear is the same as mine... that I go to sleep one night and bleed in the middle of the night and then we're in big trouble. If this vessel ruptures, Zoey's blood supply will be diminished and she can die. Sorry but I'd rather get this evil placenta out of me and have her safely in NICU than risk her dying because I didn't wake up soon enough. This terrifies me every night I lay down to sleep. It terrifies her, too. That is enough for me.

Yes, it's going to be painful to see my daughter in the NICU, but it would be more painful to watch her die because of vasa previa. I will not stand for that.

I'll let you know as soon as I know anything regarding a date. Say a prayer.

Day 17... and counting...

Day 17 in the hospital. I'm kind of getting the run-around now on when Zoey will be born. I was originally told 34 weeks and was really excited but a totally different doctor here told me 36-38 weeks, but they don't know what to do... it's to the point where they want to wait, but it's also dangerous to wait because of the risk of bleeding... I wish I had a better answer. My OB came to visit me on her day off this week and told me she has let the doctors here know that she is ready for the c-section whenever they will let her do it... but it's in their hands, not hers. I guess I'll see what my "doctor of the week" next week says...

In the meantime, I've started a blanket for Zoey. My friend Bekah brought me some Knifty Knitter looms and some baby yarn. This is a good long-term project for me to work on. I also have all my scrapbook stuff here so I can work on that as well. I'm not short of things to do, but that doesn't mean I'm not stir-crazy... being in this room for days gets daunting. This weekend is supposed to be 60 degrees of bliss so I plan to spend some time outside in the wheelchair. I HAVE to get out of here!

So, not much has changed. I've stabilized, which is good, although sometimes I feel sharp cramps and like she's literally going to fall out. It makes me afraid to stand up! My heart rate was really fast earlier this week... I'm talking 130 when I was just sitting here... the doctor suspected it was the Claritin-D they put me on and sure enough, after 2 days off it, my heart no longer feels like it's trying to escape my body. My allergies are angry, but at least I'm not short of breath. :) I'll take it! I think I was more uncomfortable with my heart racing than with the allergies... for now. I can still do the Benadryl at night so as long as I have that, I'm good.

I also just got asked to sign something giving permission for them to study my placenta after the delivery. They're doing a study on pre-term labor and obviously the vasa previa. I signed. If it can help someone else then hey, why not. Although I still wouldn't mind my medical bills being picked up in exchange... just sayin'. ;)

Shopping for Zoey

Well, night #11 in the hospital and I am just now making online purchases for Zoey. You should be proud! I found the cutest shop on Etsy.com and just had to buy something... little did I know, I'd literally spend an hour staring at just 4 pages of items before I made my final selections. I guarantee I will buy from this shop again. The patterns available are just perfect. Check it out:

Birdies...
Onesie, Burp Cloth, Bib set

Birdie Bib
(I also ordered a burp cloth in this print!)

Customized "Z" Onesie
(I also ordered a burp cloth in this print!)

I cannot wait to get these items and put my baby girl in them! The shop owner also makes wall art and pillow cases using all her trendy fabrics so I'm pretty sure I'll buy from her again.

I. Love. Etsy.

1 week down...

It has been exactly 1 week since I got admitted to Centennial Women's. I'm not meeting as many new nurses anymore, I've had them all at this point. There has only been one in the mix I didn't like very much but I'm still trying to figure her out. Our conversation this morning went like this:

Nurse: "Can I get you anything?"

Me: "Not really, I'm about to shower though and was thinking if someone could change my sheets, that'd be great." (it had been 3 days since they changed them and I sweat a lot at night because of my hormones, haha)

Nurse: "No problem, I'll do it." (goes to get sheets, comes back) "The sonographer is on the floor and will need to see you, so hurry in the shower."

Me: "Should I wait then? I don't mind waiting."

Nurse: "No, go ahead, but don't be in there all day or she'll be sitting around waiting on you."

Me: "Well okay... I don't usually take long showers but they also never tell me in advance when they are coming, they just show up, so..."

Nurse: "I know, just hurry it up."

Wow. Really? I don't like being rushed... I look forward to my morning showers after sweating in bed all night. But I don't like being rude so of course, I rushed... and then sat around for another half hour after my shower waiting on the sonographer. Either way, who said I was going to take all day in the shower?? Mind you, this is the first older nurse I've had so maybe she feels the need to be motherly in some way... all the others aren't much older than me and we actually have conversations and laugh. I like the staff here. Maybe I'll learn to like this nurse, too... maybe she was just trying to be sarcastic/funny... but it sure didn't come off that way. Part of it could have also been that the songrapher had zero personality and maybe the nurse didn't want to deal with her... she was a tough cookie... had motorcycles on her scrubs, too.

The ultrasound showed that Zoey weighs at least 4 lbs and I am excited about that! Usually the measurements come in a little small, so I can assume she's probably more like 4.5 lbs. I am excited to see how big/small she really is at birth... I was 5 lb 12 oz so we'll see if she's close! I am just glad she's at least 4 lbs right now... most of the time, hospitals will let you go home with a 4 lb baby... sometimes they wait until 5 lbs, but either way, I feel more confident she'll be able to come home with me in normal time. As usual she looked great on the ultrasound... her belly and head were more at 33 weeks and I'm supposedly at 31, so yay for that too :) She is just growing, growing...

As for my cervix, it looks like things are the same, which is good news! It hasn't gotten any worse. It's still contracting and morphing in size, but it didn't go smaller than before, so that is good. I'm having more contractions during the day, but not enough to do meds yet. Sometimes I don't even feel them, they just show up on the monitor... other times I feel a strong pressure and tightening up, followed by a hot flash that makes my whole body break into a sweat.

In other good news, my feet are 100% back to normal! I noticed after one day on complete bed rest the swelling was gone. They are back to their bony selves ;) I can't wait to try my old shoe size... it's nice to be able to wear socks. I couldn't for a while; they just cut into my ankles. I'm watching my hands intently and waiting on them to go down, too... they went up a ring size so I currently have a sterling silver, Celtic-looking, Mother of Pearl ring in place of my wedding set. I do like this ring a lot but I miss my wedding rings... however, I think Mother of Pearl is appropriate and this is something I can pass down to Zoey some day :) My hands don't really look swollen, but this size 6 still fits snuggly on my ring finger and that tells a different story.

So things are going as well as they can at the moment. I am on the hunt for inexpensive/used premie clothes so I have a few things in case newborn sizes don't fit her. I've been looking on eBay and it kills me that people will sell a set of 10 outfits for $10 then try to charge $20 for shipping. Sorry, but I'm not buying. Let me know if you all happen to find some good places to buy preemie clothes for cheap... I did find PreemieStore.com which has some Walmart prices on their clothes, but the website is really poorly put together and that turns me off a bit. Everything in the web development, from the colors to the fonts, is just ugly and doesn't make me want to shop with them.

Any ideas?

Dear Zoey...

Dear Zoey,

I can tell you're going to be a very ambitious and active little girl. You've been a great little baby in the womb and I've thoroughly enjoyed our time together thus far. However, I ask just one thing of you. Please stay inside the womb until mommy can reach 34 weeks of pregnancy. I know you've always been ahead of the game and are eager to meet the world, but sometimes it's good to just rest a little and be patient. I already know the lesson on patience is going to be a tough one... but believe me, it's valuable.

The doctors want you to stay inside for just 3 more weeks... you can do that, right? I hope I'm not asking too much. I'll give you a birth date as soon as I find out what it's going to be. Just hang inside for a little while longer and I promise it'll be worth it.

We love you! Now behave...

~Mommy & Daddy

What I Know So Far...

1. My cervix is doing a dance. Different dr's speak in different measurements but to keep this the same as before... remember when I said my cervix was thinning from 3.2-2.6, then to a 2.5? Well yesterday it was bouncing from a 3.5-0.8, in keeping with the measurements I'm used to... Zoey's head is in the way and pressing on the cervix, causing the drastic change in measurements. 0.1 means water breaks.

2. My OB may get to deliver me after all if I can make it to 34 weeks and if her hospital will take babies that young. I wouldn't have to do an ambulance again, Glenn could take me!

3. My 4th steroid shot hurt worse than all the others put together. I hope that was my last one.

4. I have the best nurses here. They are so very friendly and helpful. I couldn't ask for better care from them.

5. The high risk doctor almost sent me home without fully reviewing the ultrasound. It was the tech who had to say that they should watch the screen longer, then eventually all the scary stuff showed up. In the beginning, Zoey's head was in the way so they couldn't clearly see what was really going on and everything looked "normal." This annoys me. The fact that a tech had to be the one to tell the doctor they should watch longer bothers me. The doctor seemed very quick to want to just send me home with the risk of my water breaking and having to come right back in another ambulance. I told my OB about this and she is going to talk to this high risk doctor and find out what the heck is going on. I really wish I was just in my OB's care.

6. Good news: I may only have to stay here another 3.5 weeks instead of 6 if I can make it to 34 weeks to delivery! AND my OB can deliver me if that happens... this makes me so happy.

I'm determined to do whatever I can for this baby to make it into the world safely. The high risk doctor basically asked me what I wanted to do... strict bed rest at home or stay here. Of course I want to be home, but is that the safest thing? What happens if my water breaks at home? I have to call an ambulance and make sure they don't take me to North Crest. What a pain. Seriously, I know I'm safer here. I don't want to be here, but the baby comes first, not my wants. After the ultrasound she did feel I needed to be watched over the weekend and we'll see what happens. So I may get to go home, we'll see. Maybe if things stabilize... and then I would just have to come back for weekly ultrasounds like before... but I'm not counting on it.

I just want my baby girl to get here safely. I worked too hard just to get her in my uterus in the first place and I'm going to do whatever I have to do to get her into the world safely.

Admitted.

It's true. I'm admitted to the hospital for up to 6 weeks. What was that? Admitted?? Yes. I went to my OB appointment today for the usual ultrasound, cervical check... you know, the works. Zoey is strong, passed her biophysical profile with flying colors... but then we go to do the trans-vaginal ultrasound. The tech asks if I've had sex lately or exercised... I tell her no. I know the risks. So no, I haven't. She says, "You have two placentas... did you have twins?" No... read my chart. It explains it all... Then she leaves.

In comes my OB and her nurse. They tell me I have to go in an ambulance to Centennial Women's Hospital because the high risk dr I saw before is there and my care has to be handed over. I immediately broke into hysterics. An ambulance? Is that really necessary??

So what is the real problem? I've started to dilate and my pesky membrane is migrating into my cervix. WHAT? How far am I dilated? They couldn't measure that... apparently the ultrasound showed it but it was too dangerous to actually measure... so I have no idea what is going on downstairs. The ambulance ride was fine... the guys in the back were very nice and helpful and comforting. So now here I am... room 6223. Taking visitors.

Glenn is going to bring me things to do and my own clothes as we go along. They told me tomorrow I can wear my own so I intend on it... 6 weeks here?? Really? That doesn't seem like a reality. I got a steroid shot (again) and will get another one tomorrow. So that's 2 rounds of steroids... I feel confident that even if she is born soon, she'll be fine. The goal is to make it to 33 weeks... so 3 weeks to go... then we'll see what happens.

I'm hooking a Wii up in this joint aaaaand getting my Cricut Expression dropped off. I'm going to miss my furbabies soooo bad :( That makes me incredibly sad. But I'd do this all over again... Zoey is worth it and I couldn't ask for better care. So far everyone at this hospital has been wonderful. I am sad I had to give up my OB... you all know I love her. But she said she is going to visit me and bring me books! :) I can't wait...