Infertility.

Lately, I've been thinking about people I know who are carrying a heavy heart due to infertility or pregnancy loss. I often look at my baby girl and thank God, through many tears, that I have her... even though it was a hard fight just to conceive and eventually deliver... I'd do it all over again. People have asked me, and I've wondered as well, if I will face the same battle when we decide to TTC again. I really don't have an answer, although I do find it highly likely based on my body's behavior since having Zoey. Instead of focusing on the hard road I traveled to get where I am today, I'm going to focus on the blessing. I wish I could wave my hand and change infertility. I wish those who would be great mothers would have happy ovaries and a joyful uterus... I wish those who abandon, abuse and neglect their children would be the ones stricken with infertility. Unfortunately, it isn't up to me. But I can promise you all one thing... if you're suffering with infertility, I am praying for you. Whether or not you believe in prayer, I am praying for you and will keep praying for you. Although we do not understand God's plan sometimes, we have to trust that He is bigger than everything we are and has a reason for every trial we face in our walk of life.

The fire is refining you to gold. Please let me know how I can specifically pray for you...

Giving Thanks

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.

Psalm 107:1

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Even though it has been one of the most trying years of my life, it has been one full of many blessings. I've learned to always look at the light at the end of the tunnel, even if the light is as small as a laser pointer. There is always a light, and things could always be worse. These are some things I'm incredibly thankful for...

My husband.

I am thankful to have Glenn as a husband. He strives every day to be the man God has called him to be. He is most definitely the head of my household and I am so thankful to be blessed with a man like him. I respect him and it's easy to respect a man of God. I'm just so thankful he has chosen that path and works so hard to be the man he is meant to be.

My pets.

My pets have been my loving children and filled a void I had in my heart most of this year. We got Falkor in the spring when the PCOS diagnosis was getting worse and I didn't see much hope for me. Having a puppy helped put more joy in my heart than I could have asked for. My other pets have been wonderful, too. Yumi is the only problem child I have, but even she is one of the most loving cats I've ever seen. My pets humble me and love me unconditionally... I'm thankful to have them and to be taught the value of love through them. (Note: Falkor is now much bigger than the above photo... I'm talkin' 102 lbs at 9 months old, but he's my big baby!)

Our house.

Glenn and I worked very hard on the house all year... back in January, we didn't even have a floor! Since then we have renovated the entire upstairs and only have a few minor things left, plus the nursery. Eventually I'd like to redo the floors in the bedrooms, but that will come in time. I'm thankful that we got such an incredible deal on this house and that we can stay here for many years to come. There is room to expand and for our family to grow. We are very blessed with this house.

My Pregnancy.

It really is a miracle. I didn't exactly expect it to happen this year... the way things were looking, we were going to have to stop in October for the rest of the year, save some money, and pick up with more aggressive fertility treatment in January. Now I'm so thankful that I can say I will be 6 months pregnant in early January. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real, but now I am starting to feel a little more movement.

I'm thankful for a lot in my life, but this year these are the things that come to mind the most. I've been looking forward to being pregnant for Thanksgiving because I will get to devour more food than ever. What makes it even better is that baby will be size of a sweet potato the week of Thanksgiving. Is it morbid if I inhale 3x my body weight in sweet potatoes next week?

That's the way it's meant to be!!

I don't know if you know this, but I love the band The Features. They're local to Middle TN, primarily the town I went to college in (Murfreesboro). Everyone there knows who they are. Everyone has seen a poster somewhere. Most people out there have seen them live at one point or another, whether on MTSU campus or in a local pub.

One thing for sure, I love their music, hard core. The lead singer always writes about his own experiences with his life, his wife, and his twin daughters (who are stinkin' adorable by the way!). I decided I wanted to share with you all one of my favorite songs by The Features. It's called "That's The Way It's Meant To Be" and it's his love song to his twins. I love it. It's sweet, real, and meaningful. The best part is the song delivery is straight up indie rock. You'd half expect this to be a sweet slow song based on the lyrics, but nooooo. I like the song delivery much better. If you can, look it up on iTunes. You won't be disappointed.

Little fingers!

Little toes!

Little tempers that come and go!

It's the little things that matter most

Like the monograms on your clothes

Gonna stand right by your side

wipe your nose and dry your eyes

Zip your dress and tie your shoes, there's nothing I won't do

Gonna love you 'til I die, cause I'm yours and you are mine

And that's the way it's meant to be!

Call a doctor! Call a king!

Someone to witness all the joy you bring

Oh, my love you’re such a beautiful sight

Just wanna hold you and squeeze you tight!

Gonna take you by the hand, try to make you understand

Take you everywhere I go, teach you everything I know

We can laugh until we cry, 'cause I'm yours and you are mine

And that's the way it's meant to be

One happy accident
Two little rays of light
Love is all we need

Everything is alright

Gonna tuck you in tonight

Fall asleep right by your side

Take a swift kick in the head, may you push me out of bed

Steal the cover, I don't mind, 'cause I'm yours and you are mine

And that's the way it's meant to be!

Random Updates for this first week in June!

Well, first of all, my puppy Falkor is getting massive! He is creeping up on 14 weeks old (yes, 3.5 months old) and is almost as big as Lily, who, by the way, is 65 pounds and 5 years old. Falkor is going to be a horse, and I absolutely love it. Here are some picture updates so you can see how big he is compared to our full-grown dog...

I love seeing them play together. Falkor is such a love and has filled the "baby void" in our hearts for now. :) I'm totally in love with these 2 furbabies!

Speaking of fur, we have a critter in our attic that I am going to hunt down tonight. While getting ready for work this morning, I heard one of my cat's meowing obnoxiously and looking up at the ceiling. I stopped for a second and looked to see what she was meowing at, expecting to see some kind of fly or moth. But there was nothing in site... then, I heard a hopping and scurry sound. at first I thought maybe it's a bird because it was hopping around... but the scurry sound leads me to believe that it's much bigger than a cute little bird. So my imagination is running wild right now. What could it be?! A squirrel, mouse, chipmunk, or even a raccoon? And better yet, HOW in the world did it get up there?! In my mind, I'm imagining going up there and seeing a critter from the 1980s movie Critters. Better guard my neck from getting pierced by flying poison darts!

On the realm of PCOS, there really isn't much to report. I'm trying to not over-analyze every symptom like we PCOS ladies tend to do. I admit, I'm one to research how I'm feeling every month if I suspect a bouncing bean. Most of the time I don't suspect a thing.... With this month being up in the air due to the Soy trial, I try to remind myself that this cycle will probably be longer than Clomid cycles (since I think I ovulated later). I'm very encouraged by all the success stories I'm reading on SoulCysters.com. I can't believe how many of my fellow cysters are conquering PCOS with pregnancy, even some soy cysters! It's so so so encouraging and uplifts me to see the BFPs (big fat positives) roll in. My day is coming, this I know for sure. When? Eh. I can't be for certain. But I know God intends on me becoming a mother. He's given me enough practice with other people's babies over the past 5 years. :)

Speaking of other people's babies!!!! My best friend Emily is having her baby as I type this. Last night, she got checked into the hospital to start softening her cervix and now she should be dilating! Poor thing is 12 days late today... I can't imagine how she must be feeling. I think I'd have my doctor's head on a stake if she let me go 12 days late. I should probably warn my doctor in advance that I cannot promise an ugly side of me won't arise if she even dare let me go more than a week past my due date. Emily, I'm rooting for you and can't wait until baby Mia is born into this world. She's going to have a lot of love from all of us!

Coldplay concert is on Saturday and I'm so excited I could cry. I've been listening to Coldplay since before everyone else was! lol... no joke. I've been a loyal fan and never got to experience them live... and now, in 72 hours, I will get to. I know I'll cry. Their music is very emotional and holds a lot of special memories in my life. I can't wait to experience them live with my husband by my side. :)

That's pretty much it! When I have something else of substance, I'll post again. I hope for a BFP in my future. Oh, how I hope for it. :)

Dealing with PCOS

If you don't know what it is, PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Textbook definition:

PCOS is an endocrine disorder that affects approximately 5% of all women. It occurs amongst all races and nationalities, is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility. The principal features are weight problems, lack of regular ovulation and/or menstruation, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes, and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.

Well, we all know I'm not diabetic or obese, so I'm one of those oddball occurances. Go figure. I don't usually like to talk about it, mostly because I have no one to talk to, but I have notice it helps to try. I try to keep it in to avoid raining on everyone's parade, but sometimes I just need to release how I'm feeling. I joined a message board on SoulCysters.com and it has helped me greatly. It's all women who can relate. We've all learned that even though there is a "texbook" definition, this condition varies greatly in every single woman who has it.

PCOS doesn't mean it will be impossible for Glenn and I to start a family, but it's more of a challenge for us than it is for other people because quite frankly, I don't ovulate on my own anymore. I have been seeking help with a medication and so far, the lowest dosage works on me, but it comes with a long list of side effects and lucky for me, I get to experience almost every single one of them. I've had a lot of blood work done as well. I try to be patient and remember that God has control and I need to just RELAX and let Him do His job... but see, I'm OCD (I admit it, okay?) and so it's very difficult for me sometimes to just "relax."

So why am I just now getting around to blogging this? I really don't know. The only people who have been aware of this are a few immediate family members, church ladies, and a couple other friends. Otherwise, I've been keeping this big secret locked up inside and struggling mostly alone. I know that talking about this more doesn't really help because no one I know can really relate. So no one can truly understand what this feels like. I'm normally an optimist, but this just plain sucks. I hope and pray that my doctor is right in saying that this can go way after we have our first baby. I really don't want to live the rest of my life with this. But I just wonder... how long will it take? How long until we get to really experience parenthood? How long do I have to sit back and watch every woman I know experience pregnancy? When should I file for adoption? These are questions that plague me all the time.

All I ask is that if you're reading this, you pray for Glenn and me. Pray for patience, for wisdom in my doctor's, for healing, for optimism, and of course, for the medication to work so we can just get pregnant and not have to keep taking these God aweful meds. I'm tired and it's only the second month. I'm only allowed to take them for up to 6 months and then we have to go through further/extensive testing, some of which I've been told can be very painful. Please pray that it doesn't get up to that point.

That's all.