Day 26...

This place is starting to get to me. I think I've done pretty well the past 3.5 weeks but now I'm not as strong as I once was. It all started last night when I laid down to go to sleep. Before I knew it, I was 10 tissue deep in tears. There is something about going to sleep alone in a hospital room when you've been so used to sleeping next to your husband and 2 cats for the last (almost) 3 years. As the days on the calendar go by, I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker. I know this has to come to a close soon and it's only a small portion of my life, but it's getting increasingly difficult to stay strong and it's so easy for people on the outside to tell me these things. I think part of what has broken me is being tied down to this IV. I can't even take a shower when I want without someone helping me. I also have to be woken up in the middle of the night, every few hours, for vitals and for the monitor. I can't even sleep this place away peacefully anymore without being reminded every few hours that I'm not in the comfort of my home. I know my hormones are at an all-time high and that is a big part of the problem, too.

Yesterday Glenn and I toured the NICU and saw a baby in there, who was born at 33 weeks, and weighed just over 3 lbs. I know Zoey is already bigger than that baby was, but it still put things into perspective. However, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Seeing the NICU gave me peace, not fear... I was seeing it from the outside, not as a mother with a baby in there. It helped me feel more comfort if Zoey does end up in there. Now I know, in advance, where she may end up going, and since I know what it looks like and the ambiance, I feel better about her going in. Yes, it's going to hurt to see my sweet baby girl in NICU if she has to go, but at least I'll feel more at ease than I otherwise could have felt.

Comfort wise... it's getting more difficult to be comfortable. Zoey is resting very low right now and I'm getting bigger by the day, which means the few stretch marks I do have are now very sore. Mostly they hurt because they are constantly strapped to the monitor. I've been trying to keep them moisturized but it's very hard when that monitor is always hooked up and that goo is always irritating them. My IV still hurts from time to time, my feet are swelling again from all the extra fluid, the magnesium sulfate is giving me headaches, my legs are very sore from laying in bed for hours and days and weeks...

There is one thing I do know. I love this baby and I am thankful I was even able to get pregnant so I can have a baby to call my own. For all I know, this will be my only pregnancy. I may never be able to have another baby. Having Zoey will be worth it in the end and this will be a distant memory. But for now, I'm going to cry from time to time because the end doesn't feel close. I'm allowed that much, right?